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Mom and Dad

Memorial created 02-11-2008 by
Sally Heyer
Joshua Leigh Heyer
September 26 1996 - July 20 2007

Daddy's Little Man

Colors lost  

The Earth lost all its color the day you went away

I look around and all I see are different shades of gray

If I traveled up to space

and looked in the rear view mirror

The Earth would be as pale as the moon

Without you living here.     

The forests dull, fields turning brown

All I know each day is that you're not around.

Bright orange poppies?? Amazing color you might see...

But even they look faded...

insignificant to me.

Where did the beauty go? Why can't I see it?

Why did the world fade away.

It doesn't look the same, you know

Without you here.

Everywhere I look

I see only that you are not there.

Your sparkle and luster gone from my world.

So I wait....

I can't imagine how much brighter Heaven is today

Since you took all the colors from Earth with you...

The day you went away.

Green vibrant and alive

Red full of energy

Yellow bursting with warmth and fun

Blue beautiful and endless and the sea.

All faded without you.

Now...only gray

 

My scar

We have many scars you and I
that tell stories of our past
from injuries old and new.
Scraped knees as children,
falls off of bikes, perhaps even a surgery or two.

My newest and most visable scar
is a red line running vertically up my left cheek.
Most people would hide it, cover it with makeup,
it is not something they would want to keep.

But I in some strange way treasure this scar
The mark has a different meaning for me.
It is an outward sign of a terrible wound
A wound that the world can't see.

Some scars are deeper
then we can see with our eyes
Hurts and trauma, pains from the past.
They have cut across our very hearts
and changed who we are...
changed the person we were in the past.

You can't see the scar I carry inside
even though it is still gaping and red
The healing process is painfully slow,
how could it go faster?
my son is dead.

The pain of my loss will never go completely away
it will forever be a part of me now
an image of grief etched upon my soul
my cross to carry until we arrive in the streets of gold.

 

 

What if I don't want to adapt 

 

Many times I think I am doing ok

I am living and smiling and planning on a future.

I have 3 wonderful living children.

And then out of the blue I feel so lost again.

I Miss Joshua and want him here with me.

I wrote this poem during one of those missing Joshua moments.

........................ 

Life keeps changing day by day

even when we want it to always stay the same

Some changes bring happiness and joy

others leave us crying out in pain like the loss of my boy.

......................

To these changes we must adapt or so I am told,

develop a new sense of what is and let go of the old

I don't want to adapt to this loss, not today.

The loss of my son is not ok.

....................

I don't want him to be gone

I want him here right now

I want to hug him and gaze upon his face

I want to watch him grow.

....................

Why can't I still have him?

I want him back some how.

He is supposed to be here with me, his mother

Not in heaven, not yet, not now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus Wept

 
John 11:32-35
Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord come and see.” Jesus Wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

The day Mary’s brother died I can imagine the questions and pain in her eyes…
“If only you had been here…I believe you could have saved him…
Why, Jesus …..Why did my brother have to die.”


Her thoughts spinning with numbness and shock.
Grief and pain…separation. Never to see him again. Not to hear his voice aloud or see him smiling with his friends. I can’t bear this pain Lord Jesus. How could you let me down. If only you had been here Lord…Our dear brother might still be around.


What were you thinking Lord Jesus on that fateful day?
You knew even while they wept and mourned that their brother would soon be raised.
Still your eyes filled with tears as you felt your friend‘s pain.
You wept for their loss and you cared.
You knew that such pointless deaths would continue until your own task you dared.


Was it just for Mary and Martha you cried? … Or could it also be …that the tears you wept spanned across time and were also your tears shed for me. Tears of pain and sadness for the curse that our own sin brings. Death and separation from the one’s we love and from God for all eternity.


Did you feel my pain years before I was born
when you wept for Lazerus that day?
Did you see my tears and hear my cries from such a long ways away?
Oh how I cried the day my boy died. Shock, disbelief, horror and pain.
I still live in a fog thinking my son can‘t be gone. He can’t be buried in that grave.


I know the pain and the questions that Mary must have felt. The whys and the what ifs that kept spinning round and round. I am jealous that she had you physically present with her to raise her brother back to life. I wish the same could happen for my son whose body still lays in its grave. Couldn’t I too have just a few more years to love my boy and tell him how much I care?


You are God Almighty without sin or need to suffer. Why did you allow yourself to feel such horrible pain? You willingly suffered and died for our crimes. You took our curse upon your own flesh so that we might be eternally saved.


Your love and your understanding of our pain must have spurred you onto your task,
To provide a way to end the curse of death…so our separation wouldn’t have to last.
You took all our pain and loss and the suffering of death on your own shoulders the day you died. So that my little boy could be with you now enjoying true life at your side.


I can’t wait to see him again. Such joy I can’t even imagine. No more weeping and no more loss. The curse of death lifted by your death on the cross. Thank you Lord Jesus. For providing a way for my son to live again with you today.

 

 

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